Barneyisfat

I’ve been out of it for a few weeks. I haven’t been writing, partly, because my thoughts are too complex to be ascribed with words. I’m not a communicator. I can usually get a point across, but it takes great effort.

I’m tired of being a Christian. There I said it. I know when these times come that they do so only because I have been trying desperately to live a rule driven faith. It doesn’t work. It won’t ever work. I try so hard, in my own power, to keep from sinning that I sin. It’s very complex and never fun. It’s not what the Christian life is about, but, in time of distance from the Lord, I try and make it the foundation of my faith. I revert to works when things are going badly.

When I revert to works I get real tired of Christianity, real fast. I know many Christians who live their entire faith from a works mentality. I can’t fathom life that way. I can’t imagine living out a faith without the grace of Christ playing a primary role.

I taught my small group last week. I taught on the topic of grace. It seemed, to me, that I could have been speaking Klingon. It was like none present had ever thought about the idea of grace. Now, I admit that my personal views on grace are a little extreme; but I was still shocked that my brothers and sisters in Christ had spent so little time trying to understand grace.

I have a favorite painting hung in my living room. It’s a Monet print of a winter scene. Bleak, desolate, and dreary are likely adjectives. But, on the far left, perched atop a fence, sits a lone black bird. I see nothing but hope in this painting. When things look bad there remains hope. Indelible hope.

I have more doctor’s visits scheduled, a cortisone shot on the calendar, and less optimism than I ever thought possible. And yet, by the grace of God, there remains hope. I’m tired of being a Christian, and yet hope remains. I know that this too shall pass. I know that Christ still has a plan for this doubting Thomas. I know that Christ still has a future for this denying Peter. Indelible hope.