The story we should have heard, the truth we should have learned.

Words were spoken, tempers flared; hearts were broken, no one cared. I don’t know what the argument was over, I don’t much care to know. But, there was internal division at my church over something that will eventually seem silly. The couple in charge of the kid’s program left in tears a few minutes before the kids program was scheduled to start. The rest of the workers scrambled to pull something together. I didn’t know the situation at the time. I only knew that we had decided to let the kids play on the playground instead of doing the usual programming.

If I had known what had happened I could have helped. Before leaving, the couple had given me the skit to be performed as the Bible lesson. Before leaving, they told me I wouldn’t be doing it. If I had known the situation, I’m not sure if I could have done the drama. Our Bible story was one I had never heard before. The story of Nabal and his wife’s kindness taught the lesson that we must treat others with respect and kindness to have harmony in our own lives. Let’s play a game of “Spot the Irony.”

… and it is irony; so we laugh. But the laughter burns, burns like the tears did.

Toccoa First United Methodist begins the Natural Church Development process. The goals have been inadequately explained, the procedure barely mentioned, and the people are confused. We did poorest in the field of Passionate Spirituality.

Garrett is five. He colored with his grandmother in the back of the room while his grandfather taught my classes’ lesson. Mack spoke on social justice, forgiving ourselves for our past, and the promised hope of salvation realized through Jesus Christ. Mack was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, will undergo surgery in a few more weeks, and has actively thought about his past. He has realized his mistakes. He has realized his success.

Garrett watched his grandfather tell friends about the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Garrett watched his grandfather shed tears while speaking passionately about the forgiveness he has received from Christ. Garrett, and the rest of my class, saw passionate spirituality in action.

Mack has found that all of the money he earned in this life isn’t worth a second of heaven. But, it goes beyond that. Mack isn’t a Christian to get to heaven; it’s not about the fire insurance. Mack is a Christian because he chose to follow Christ. Mack knows there is a chance he could die in the not too distant future; and yet he doesn’t focus on the promised rewards of heaven. He chooses to focus on the commands and teachings of Jesus. Heaven will be nice, but it isn’t the point of salvation.

Passionate Spirituality. Being in love with the savior? Having daily QT? Allowing your grandson to see your broken heart through your tears? Talking about your mission trip? How do we express the love of the savior in our daily lives?

Tolstaya Devchonka

The Fat Girl. It was the name of a television program,, THE television program to watch, when I was living in Russia. The premise was simple enough; fat girl in an orphanage is found by long lost uber rich family who takes her in and terrorizes her for being fat and ugly.

They had a skinny girl in a fat suit play the lead role and the fat suit was no bigger than I am. I longed desperately to have something to talk about with my peers while in Russia and television was free, easy to talk about, and a mainstay in everyone’s life. I watched every show of Tolstaya Devchonka.

Her rich family held general soap opera positions. Everyone was rich and beautiful, but the show focused on the fat girl. I figured out the ending long before my friends. The show was a Spanish TV production translated into Russian: Spain and America both have the tale of “The Ugly Duckling” which is one tale Russia is lacking. When the boy that the fat girl liked started calling her his “little duck” I knew that she would undergo a transformation. (I had it pegged when I realized it was a skinny person in a fat suit, but we’ll ignore that.)

The boy she liked didn’t like her because she was fat. She had a nice personality so she was immediately cast aside as the best friend, kept around for dating and relationship advice.

The show ended with a triumphant finale. She came back from a few weeks of vacation, thin and beautiful, and the boy she liked started to like her as well, because now, she too was thin and beautiful. He was even willing to sleep with her now that she wasn’t monstrously sized.

I was so angry after the finale. My friends adored it. Ollysa felt that it was a beautiful love story. Olga loved how romantic it was. I was angry.

We see the same thing day in and day out. If you are thin you are loveable. Margaret Cho discusses her numerous eating disorders in her comedy routine. She says that when she lost weight her father loved her and when she gained weight she was invisible to him. She laughs about it, but you can hear the hurt in her laughter.

I’m an obese person. At my heaviest I weighed 310 pounds. I was loveable then. I loved myself. I’m down to 280 now. I’m loveable now. I love myself. I have found that if I can’t be happy at my current weight I will never be happy.

I wanted the Fat Girl to find happiness and an inner peace. If she did lose weight, I wanted her to ditch the jerk who wouldn’t love her when she was fat. She did neither. She perpetuated the myth that every fat person is just 20 pounds away from happiness.

I weigh exactly what I weighed when I was 16. My target weight is 250 pounds. If I get down to that weight I will weigh what I did when I was in middle school. But … I’m happy at 280. I’m not reserving happiness for the next goal weight. I’m happy with who I am, with who Christ has made me to be.

It’s no love story. It won’t get the ratings. But, it proves a point. The story of my life.

I'm having a wonderful vacation this week. We have been doing everything on the West Side of St. Louis. I've had a lot of fun doing the most random things.

John and I have been getting lost every day while Rachel is at work. We went a REALLY nice mall (hard wood floors and italian leather sofas throughout!) and pretended to be rich and classy. I bought two really nice designer shirts (I'm becoming trendy, please pray for me) for formal occasions. I only brought one nice outfit (for temple on Friday) but we have gone to a nice restaurant every night so far. I needed more nice clothes.

John and I watched La vie en Rose. It is amazing and artsy. Not for kids, but not a bunch of cussing either. It was really well done. St. Louis has a number of free-cheap cultural things. Pretty much amazing.

I've played Tennis almost every day here. Rachel gave me an old tennis racket that is still really nice and a lot better than anything I could afford. I beat John in two games. I'm improving a lot. Soon I'll win a singles set.

John and I are going to do the science center today and then we are going to do a low brow dinner with a really expensive fondue dessert as our entree. We are doing the city musuem tonight. only $3 after 10PM.

Hope everything is going well with everyone I'm not around.

“Let what we do in here fill the streets out there.”

What is it, exactly, that we’re doing in here? We’re singing songs, listening to a man lecture, and giving money to perpetuate “here.” What is it that we’re doing in here, again?

I’m perplexed and confused is essentially what it comes down to. I have been a follower of Christ for a full decade. I have been a believer for slightly longer than I was a heathen. I gave my life to Jesus ten years ago, and still, I don’t know what being a Christian should look like. I have found few imitable people within the church.

I hearken back to the fruit of the spirit for an imitable Christian lifestyle. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Save my own mother and possibly Dr. Smith, I can’t think of any Christian who fits the bill. I view the beatitudes as an indicator of the Christian life. Blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are the meek and mild, blessed are the merciful, those who hunger after justice for righteousness sake, those who are persecuted. It’s all well and good – I adore those scriptures. But I don’t see it. I don’t see it in the church and I don’t know how to see it in my life. How do I become more meek? Anyone?

I’m constantly berated by the not-so-subtle messages of the church. Don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t cuss, and don’t leave home without your WWJD bracelet. I joke a good bit about the WWJD bracelet craze; and I apologize to the people who have been helped by that phrase. I haven’t. I’m not opposed to morality – I just don’t think it’s what being a Christian is all about. I believe that Jesus came to abolish the rules system mentality. I believe that Christians can drink, smoke, cuss, and wear any bracelet they choose.

And, then, I’m stuck back where I began. If we aren’t fighting against the evils of immorality, how will the world know that we are Christians. “And they’ll know we are Christians by our T-shirts, by our T-shirts.” Will people know that I’m a believer if I love extravagantly but also cuss? Will they know I’m a Christian by my love … even if I consume alcohol?

I believe that we as the church have set ourselves up for failure. We (the church) have created an impossible morality system that can only lead to mess ups, mistakes, and the forced shooting of our wounded. If we reduce the Gospel to “don’t mess up” the inevitable end will be that we do, in fact, mess up. When this happens we have nowhere to run.

“…but to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8 – What does the Lord require of you? We don’t cuss but we also don’t give a fuck about the poor. In the grand scheme of things – which do you think brings more displeasure to the Lord? When one of his children says the S-word or when his people fail to care for the hurting?

Morality rules suit us better. We can make up our own morality. We can live in McMansions and ignore the poor while demeaning people for sexually errant lifestyles and call it Biblical. Justice isn’t our “thang” as the kids say. If we really cared we would act justly and work to improve the education system – we would show mercy and get kids to stop saying words like “thang.”

What would it look like if we followed the advice of Micah 6:8? Let’s walk humbly with God. Let’s stop trying to show the world how righteous we are and let’s start being real with people. Let’s act justly. Let’s love mercy. It’s a novel idea. And yes, you can still wear your WWJD bracelet.

Don't think that this post is finished. I'm still confused. I'm still in need of answers. I am, as of now, still unsatisfied.

I'm heading to St. Louis in a few Days. I have no insights into life on this particular day. I'm enjoying my vacation time a great deal. I stopped all thought processes three days ago. They haven't started back up yet. Class starts on the 26th. I should be ready by then!

And they lie to you. They tell you that love is real. They tell you that love will carry on, carry you through, or carry away your burdens. They tell you that if you are prettier, smarter, sportier, manlier, taller, thinner, leaner, bulkier, (etc) [__________ fill in the blank] that you will be good enough to be loved. But they lie to you. It simply isn’t true. The love story is false. The lines were rehearsed, the faces made up, the plot so contrite, the dialogue a bitter lie. People don’t love one another.

People lust after one another. They may respect one another. They may be compatible. But … this idea of a person being in love with another person is simply false. I’ve never seen it. I’ve seen moments of sacrificial love between people. They are few and far between.

Love is painful. Love tears at your heart … it rips open your stomach. There is nothing pretty about love. There are no pink frilly hearts involved in love. Love demands a sacrifice. You can’t love someone and not be willing to die for him or her. Jesus loved us and it got him death. We think that when we love someone it gets us sex. Our concept of love is simply wrong.

Our relationships are built on lust. Lust comes first in almost every relationship. We build our relationships from the foundation of lust. Even good evangelicals start a relationship by pursuing a girl who they would be happy to screw for the next 60 years.

We are being lied to. Jane Austen never figured it out. Ron Jeremy hasn’t figured it out. We are too busy filling our lives with stuff, with painful memories and thoughts, or with “pleasure” to ever experience love. Mother Teresa figured it out. I imagine that her heart bled with love – that she endured more pain in loving others than most of us could ever imagine.

Love is patient, love is kind … We don’t get it.