Why am I even here?

There are days that I wonder about that question. I'm having some problems at church, and today I asked that question. I love my church, the people I mean, and I am excited to be part of a growing church.

I know why I'm here.

Today I met 10-20 parents of children who are going to summer school. These parents were extremely low income people, usually with several children, painfully overweight or underweight, or my age. I get to spend 6 weeks working with their children and trying to get them caught up with the rest of their class.

I know why I'm here.

I have a large circle of friends with whom I spend time. I have rarely been happier.

I know why I'm here.

I have some forgiveness issues to work through still. I have class and school work to catch up on. I have chapter summaries to do ahead.

I know why I'm here.

Some days I just don't remember why I'm here. I need lots of reminders.

I wonder if my emotions about God are normal. After Pentecost, did Peter get tired of everything? Did John get cranky? Did Paul feel like his prayers bounced off the ceiling? Did Bart ever get angry at God?

I went to a youth group function tonight. We started at our church, but drove to the facility where we would worship. It would be a night of Christian unity. We entered the basement warehous through teen-crowded sidewalks. The facility was modern, music was loud. Cliques mingled. Awkwardly shaped youth ministers went around with introductions in every hand shake. Kids played video games, youth sat on comfortable couches. I sat on a stool by myself. I picked up a magazine and tried to blend in. I tried so hard.

Worship began. The youth were told to stand, and, with few exceptions, this was the extent of movement for the service. Mannequins stand motionless while singing "I lift my hands and spin around." Guys are checking out the girls, the girls - focused on the attractive college student leading worship.

What seperates these youth from the general public? I felt like I should have been holding an alcoholic bevrage while rubbing against other people. The girls were wearing sluttier clothes than I will ever let my daughter wear. How many of them are really holding off until marriage for sex? How many are worshipping? We say some bold things in the Christian faith. We claim to worship a soveigrn God ... but we so rarely worship. What we are doing isn't working. What do we do now?

I'm frustrated with God right now. I don't want to hear any sermons. I want to experience christian love. When we have a youth service day we often have fewer than 5 youth show up. If the youth in our youth group don't want to serve others we have failed at creating disciples of Jesus Christ. If Christian service ranks below human bowling on the youths' list of favorite activities we have made a horrible mistake.
We are afraid to try something really different. What if we scrapped all of our programs and just kept the Bible studies? Could it possibly hold the attention of thirty or more youth? What if we never did another fundraiser, never sent the youth to the aqaurium, or never watches another movie together? Would we lose all credible fellowship?

I'm so tired of what we are doing now ... why don't we try something radical?

My biggest fear is failure. It's one of my fears that I am afraid to give to God. I'm afraid that people won't like me, that I won't be good enough, or that everything I do will fail.

I'm wrestling with a lot right now. I start my summer job on Friday. I have a video to put together before Sunday. I'm not sure if I will be good at my job. I'm not sure if the video will get put together.

I feel led to apply for a youth ministry job. I'm so scared. I'm scared that I will fail. I don't want to spend my time trying to be accepted by a group of people. I'm so comfortable working from the idea that "I am who I am and I don't care what you think about me." I'm afraid that will change if I get the job. I'm afraid I won't get the job.

I felt led to apply last fall. I didn't ... and I was sick for months. Hopefully coincidence (not sure how much I believe in Christian Karma), but on the off chance that they were related; I don't want to screw this up.

I need to get my Russia trip together. I'm not cool enough. I have too many obligations. What will people at my current church think? My sunday school class? My drama team? My friends? Will I have time for everything? Will my grades suffer? Will we even have any youth? God ... couldn't you find someone a hell of a lot cooler than me?

I'm not prepared for youth ministry. I don't want to work with youth! I'm afraid that I would just be running from my current responsibilities!

I'm so filled with fear. Fear of failure consumes me. I know that God can take it away. I know that God can use failure. I know that God can use me.

Failure or not; here I come.

Change is good. Random is fun. I don't do enough random stuff. I'm in Macon visiting Rachel today. I don't know anything about Rachel. I didn't know she had brothers, and I didn't know she was left handed.

Random.

More later.

So, I haven't blogged much lately. I lost internet at my house for a while, but today it was back on. I'm hoping it stays for the summer. On-line classes, you know.

I had a great last few weeks of class. I got all of my grades in. I finished with a 3.62 for the semester. Enough to bring my cumulative GPA back up to where it needs to be to keep my scholarship. Praise God. I failed both of my student ministries, but I'm not too concerned about it. I have plenty of time to get those in.

I have started doing chapter summaries. I am going to try to summarize the entire OT this summer. It doesn't seem likely, but you never know. I struggle so much with faith in God when I'm reading the OT. I would die if I was Jewish.

My Sunday School class is going through Revelation right now. I would die if I based my faith on that book. I don't like the lessons one bit. They are not in depth enough to cover the topics with any faithfulness, but they aren't shallow enough to avoid the tricky stuff. It's horrible.

I stood a few inches from Billy Graham's grandson. It was pretty exciting. We gave him an honourary doctorate, which I find funny because we don't even have a master's program, but we can give out doctorates? Great.

I hate human relationships. Things where so much easier on Kremlach where people didn't talk to each other. I just really struggle with defining who I am based on what other people think of me. I realize how ridiculous this is, but (sigh) a friend was rating all of the men on campus and placed a professor over me (end sigh) I know how childish and superficial that sounds ... but I feel so ugly when I can't even compare to a married 35 year ofd prof. Arghh. And, then I feel even more stupid for basing my view of myself on a person's superficial rating system. I just wish I could put less emphasis on what other people think of me.

I feel so silly for having written that above paragraph.

I'm trying to get some rest this week, and also trying to balance family committments for this summer. I don't want to drive home, but my car needs a sticker, and I do want to come home. I feel so alone. It's not like there's any nightlife in Toccoa. I just want to make some non-TFC friends.

That's a summary of my life. Yep, won't do that again for a long time.

Some days I go swimming just to prove that I can't walk on water. I walk around with the thought, "I'm an F-ing Christian, and I can sin if I want to." Those I know who proudly avoid sin at all cost are usually fairly messed up. I'm tired of people's expectations about what a Christian is or isn't and I'm even more tired of people's expectations of what a Christian should and shouldn't do.

Christian's don't drink, smoke, laugh loudly, or have inappropriate thoughts. Unless you're an F-ing Christian, like me. I'm tired of the stereotypes. In the south, "christian" is an adjective. i.e. "This isn't christian of me, but guess who she's sleeping with." I believe that Christian is a noun. That's just the way I was brought up. No, not everyone is a Christian. No, not everyone who goes to church is a Christian. No, not all Christians go to church. No, not all Christians act like everyone else.

I'm still trying to find the balance between avoiding sin at all costs and maintaining an attitude of a blatant sinner. I'm not perfect. I'm not so sure there's much merit in working toward perfection. Where I'm at now is working daily on being more loving. I'm letting God work out the rest. It's still hard, but I don't feel like I'm trying to fit into the rule book.

There is something unavoidably compelling about the life of Corry ten Boom. There is an irreducible factor about her life that, although I could quite easily put my finger on it, I don't want to touch. She lived her life with a faith that went beyond the comfortable.

I think that if a person truly follows Jesus, he or she will be moved out of his or her comfort zone by Him who removes all safety nets. Jesus doesn't want us to make back-up plans. God provides for all of our needs, in His time.

We have corrupted faith in Jesus Christ. We have decreed that our comfort, although in reality often a result of our sinful nature, comes directly from God. We thank God that we were born in America, but fail to appreciate that God works as mightily (or could if we would take the message) in every country in the world. We are thanking God for a comfort He didn't give us. We fail to follow his will, and live comfortably instead.

[[[[ Erwin McManus writes:You've heard it said that the safest place to be is in the center of God's will. I am sure this promise was well intended, but it is neither true nor innocuous. When we believe that God's purpose, intention, or promise is that we will be safe from harm, we are utterly disconnected from the movement and power of God...The truth of the matter is that the center of God's will is not a safe place but the most dangerous place in the world! God fears nothing and no one! God moves with intentionality and power. To live outside God's will puts us in danger; to live in his will makes us dangerous.]]]] - stolen from a post by Bill Beatty

I must daily remind myself that if I am truly following God's will, I will not be safe. I will not be comfortable. I will not be o.k.

I will be in danger and dangerous. I will be radical. I will be different. I will offend people.

Corrie ten Boom did just this. This week I will work on trusting God and trying not to remain comfortable. It's a scary thought.

I don’t have any sermons to preach, witty jokes to perform, or points to make. I have a lot of brokenness that needs healing, friendships that need mending, and sins that need forgiving. I don’t need a hermeneutical exegesis. I need grace. I don’t need a lesson in doctrinal purity. I need an empty tomb.

I again come across one of those times, when I am sad to be at Toccoa Falls College. I’m angry at the unloving and unforgiving acts of the administration. I’m saddened by “friends” who love only when it is convenient. And, I’m upset that I will one day receive a diploma from an institution with which I share almost no opinions. I came here to be challenged. Now, I wish that I had gone somewhere to be loved and accepted.

I am almost done for the semester, and I can’t wait to take my rest. I face a lot of difficult decisions about this summer. I look forward to an eventful summer. I still have a lot to accomplish, and a lot of grace to show others this week. I got sick yesterday and slept for 14 hours last night. Yes, I consider rest glorious. Glorious rest.

Bishop Janice Riggle Huie has asked for those known as Methodists to begin a United Methodist movement. As a strong United Methodist I believe that the movement she speaks of, a movement to revitalize the church through prayer, worship, study, peace, and fellowship, can only be achieved by missions. Bishop Huie said, "The United Methodist movement invites belief in Jesus Christ over the cultural gods, the practice of forgiveness over hate, peace over violence, a better life over poverty, health over sickness." It's time to move past our current structures and paradigms and enter into a new generation of Methodism. This generation will, if it intends to be successful, be more focused on missions than our predecessors.

This Methodist movement is already growing rapidly in the Phillipines and much of Africa. The United Methodist Church in America is shrinking, but our brother and sister churches overseas are rapidly growing. The American churches are driving with our dome lights on and have almost entirely forgotten that headlights exist, much less that they must be on to have any effect. In our local churches we care more deeply about the color of carpeting in the aisles than the unsaved in our own congregation, the condition and placement of the big Bible on the altar than the homeless that live among us, and the polished state of the big brass cross we hold up than the dying masses overseas. Our priorities are far from where they should be. We have slowly become a people of preservation.

The people of Israel were a people of preservation. Although they knew their status as children of God, they still rarely worked towards advancing his cause or teaching those outside of their small community about the creator God. "Missions" for the people of Israel meant teaching those who came of their own volition. It rarely included reaching out with the good news of God or working towards social justice, although both issues are raised and shown to be important to God in the Old Testament. (Micah 6:8, Isaiah 58?)