Barneyisfat

I'm filled with doubt this day. There's nothing unusual about today. It's a normal day and I'm filled with my normal doubts.

I doubt God. I doubt that God is faithful, or just, or merciful, or any of those other nickel and dime words that we don't attribute to anyone but God because they don't mean anything to us. Just like God.

I doubt my ability to overcome sin. Any sin. Not any particular sin. Or God's ability to overcome sin in my life. Or my ability to live for God with or without the sin.

I doubt that I want anything other than to be comfortable and well fed and away from pain. I doubt that I will be able to hit "Publish Post" without some redemptive ending that proves that I'm really "missionary material."

And I have a lot of things that I don't doubt. I don't doubt that doubt itself is ultimately good and healthy. I don't doubt the Christs I've seen. I don't doubt the Christ I've been. I don't doubt my salvation or my calling.

I doubt that I can every really love. I see old couples with this enduring love ... and I don't think I have what it takes to make a commitment like that.

I'm okay with the doubt. I don't see it as some albatross. There's nothing abstract or symbolic about my doubt. My doubt is as real as my faith. They are inextricably linked and I praise God for that. ... oh and there it is. I am Missionary material!