Barneyisfat

I come to the awkward realization that my life is less than radical. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. This shouldn’t be a surprise to me. I’m comfortable. I’m good. People like me. And, none of these things are bad. I’m glad that I’m a good person. I’m glad people like me. But I feel that my life is missing a certain amount of radicalism.

Now, I’m generally against radicalism. I’m terrified of fundamentalist anythings. I think that the world would be a lot better if everyone would just take one step to the left or right in the direction of center. My life would be better if I could just keep a little bit more center. My life would be easier if everyone around me could just keep a little bit more center.

I wonder some days why I’m good. John M. Patrick said, "He who remains good simply because he must serves necessity, not God." I wonder how often I hold my tongue because I must. Now, I don’t want to be bad. I want to be good. I just want to have the right motivation. I guess I’m just waiting for that proper motivation to fall into place. Am I obeying the rules because I don’t want to get kicked out? Am I being good so I don’t upset my friends?

I want to be more radical in my faith. But, I fear I don’t have many examples of truly radical faith. I have models of well-behaved obedient men and women who happen to be Christians. I have many such models. Most of the people around me follow all of the rules. My friend Janet owns a shirt that reads, “Well behaved women rarely make history.” It’s a great quote, and true of all people. I don’t think that having a radical, vibrant relationship with God is about following all the rules. I think it’s about so much more.

I just don’t know exactly what that “more” is. Well, it’s love. Or Jesus. Or grace. Or whatever buzz-word of the month I’m on. And I mean those words. And I find so much hope in those words and in exploring and trying to understand those words that are so crucial to the life of Christ. But at the end of the day I feel like little more than a nominal Christian. I love God and yet I love myself a lot, too. I want peace but I want to enjoy my sin as well. I want to offer grace but only on my conditions. I want to offer Christ to the homeless and hopeless – I just don’t want to have to smell them.

I’m a little bit stuck. Maybe a lot stuck. My faith is filled with so much doubt, and I’m surrounded by people who have all the answers … but they don’t seem any happier or better for it. I want to be happier or better for it. Whatever this “more” is, I want to be happier or better for it. I want to follow Jesus in a radical way. I’m just trying to find out what that means.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness." — Jean Vanier…