ANYTHING

The scripture lesson was from Isaiah; he says, “Here am I, send me.” This verse resonates with the core of my being. I prayed this verse, sang this refrain, and gave this pledge. I am a missionary. With everything I am. This morning, in Sunday school, with this scripture as backdrop; I shared with friends (of whom I love dearly) the sad news of closed doors. The feeling of shared disappointment was palpable. They were bummed for me. Accolades and empty words pushed forth against my bitter heart as one by one they tried to encourage me, to refresh my soul, to remind my mind that God has a plan.

“I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow.”

I know that God has a plan. If I close my eyes really tight I can picture myself anywhere, anyplace in the world. I know that I am called to be a missionary. No matter how tight I close my eyes I can’t picture myself doing anything else. Oddly, I don’t even know what “missionary” means for me – what service will fill this life, what strange lands these open eyes will see – simply that “missionary” is my truth, my destiny.

Life lived on the brink of “goodbye,” selfish love and lust abated, “career” and “success” redefined ~ all in pursuit of this calling, all in response to “Here am I, send me.”

My family lived in poverty for a time when I was young. Dad was out of work and mom scraped pennies together to buy toilet paper. The stories supplant actual memories. God provided our family with five apple trees that bore more fruit that year than any other year. I only remember, from that time in my life, that one can make ANYTHING out of apples.

I’m playing the “waiting game” more than anything else.

I’m waiting for God to show me the apple trees.