Barneyisfat

I have come to the point where I need to sever ties with my father. He is so emotionally abusive that even one phone conversation is enough to send me into a fit of depression. I called mom today and he took the phone to talk to me. He was angry at me because my computer has spyware. It's obviously my fault. He just ranted a lot about how disrespectful I am and how I'm a bad person. I said the phrase "pissed off" and he got on my case about morality. I got off the phone and decided I wouldn't do another piece of homework I was so angry. (It's okay. I've calmed down a lot and intend to do most all of my homework.) My dad essentially told me before this semester that my 3.5 gpa wasn't good enough and I had to work harder. I'm still so devestated by this. I see fathers and sons at church who love each other. The father out in the yard playing ball with his son. The son wanting to sit with his father in church. The father teaching his son in a way that his son will grow up to recieve the faith.

I had none of that. I still can't throw a football. I watched TV with my dad everyday ... because that's what he was willing to do. My neighbor taught me how to ride a bike - several years after all of my friends - and my father was angry at him for it. My father was never willing to even try to quit smoking no matter how often I begged, pleaded, or his his lighters.

I won't be home this summer. I had wanted to go home in Agust, but if I do go home I will stay with Bekke in Rochester and friends when we come down for the weekend.

I'm not willing to take it anymore. I pray that I will be a better father than he ever was to me. I pray for my mom - of whom I love dearly and don't want to hurt- that she won't be hurt by my decision. I pray for my sister as she goes through the same process.

Sometimes we hurt so bad inside that we feel if our faces showed it people would start forming a line for our funeral procession. A child should never have to feel that way. I praise my God who has brought me through all of this and will continue to lift me up and out of the muck.