Barneyisfat

It's been a while since I've blogged about a lot of the things I have been thinking about. Here are a random compilation of my thoughts, musings, and life:

I was watching Sesame Street with my children (the Kindergarten class I work with) and they were at an art museum. Oscar the Grouch found a display of broken statues and sang a song about how much he loved them, how they were broken and shattered and pieces were missing, but that he loved them anyway and thought that they were beautiful. It reminded me of how we as humans are broken and shattered and pieces are missing and yet Christ loves us and thinks we're beautiful. I see so much brokeness in the lives of people around me - and I know that Christ thinks they are all beautiful.

I talked with a man from my Sunday School class about the contemporary service at my church. He is a great guy and really loves the Lord. He is upset that people eat and drink during the worship times (I will continue to stuff my face, but in a more worshipful manner) I asked him how he can support drinking coffee during Sunday School hour. I didn't want to have to trap him, but it's a silly argument that he supports. He was also upset at how the youth dressed for worship. I understand his point - but I explained that it is the fashion and I would rather have the youth there and not dressed appropriately than to have them not there at all. He agreed. Pete was 50 years old when he first married. He started coming to church after he retired - so I think he is new to the faith. There's a lot of enthusiasm there which is lacking in some of the other older adults.

One of the girls in the kindergarten class I work with talks nonstop. She never shuts up. The kids were working on a beaded craft project and after I was done reading to some kids I went over to work on the art project with them. She was sitting there, having accomplished absolutely nothing on her own beaded craft project, telling everyone else how they should do there projects. She didn't even have one bead on but she felt justified to go around the room and "teach" all of the students who were half finished how to do the project. It made me so angry. It made me angry because I do it. I tell people how to live out their faith - even though I sometimes suck at it. I'm a hypocrite as often as anyone else. I've been thinking a lot about this.

I don't know how important marriage is to me. I see a lot of people who are single and who have a lot more free time, can do whatever they want, and can work a lot more for the kingdom. My friend Ricky has 8 kids. He can't really just pick up and go overseas as a missionary. If he was single he would be able to do that. I don't want a wife and kids to hold me back. I want a wife (and possibly kids) who would be flexible enough to go wherever God sends us. I still want to get married, but it's not a focus anymore. I have also decided that when I am overseas I want to send my kids to a British "public" (aka private) school. I'm sure it will be expensive, but it will be the best education in the world and I won't have to worry about them in a violent nation or that they are not being educated in an MK school.

I made my English Lit professor cry today. They were tears of laughter, but it was still such an oddity. I think we were mocking one of the characters in Northanger Abbey and it just became funny enough that she had to dab tears away. I love my Jane Austen class and right now could fail it and still feel like I accomplished a lot in it.

I have written my appeal to move off campus. I will probably wait until I get a yeah or neh from the administration before I discuss it with my roomate. I just think it is best for my mental health. I praise God for my church, friends, and pastors who have been so much help to me during this trying time in my faith walk and life. I'm never taking steroids again - I can't deal with mood swing inducing medicine well. My church has been so amazingly supportive. I am also thankful that I have parents who, although firm, are willing to understand that comprimise had to happen for my own well being and are allowing me to search for an off campus apartment.

I talked with Rachel about my father. I explained why we don't get along and all of the problems. I told her about being raised by a single parent and how hard that was for my mom. I told her that my dad never tossed me a ball. In my 19 years he has never thrown anything for me to catch other than car keys! It's such a simple thing and it has affected me greatly. I had never been willing to openly admit that. It was cathartic.

I'm reading "In Cold Blood" by Truman Capote. I love his writing style. I read a lot of his writing over fall break. In one piece he explains (by way of a two-person monologue!) his views on faith. He reveals that he really struggled with the idea of a loving God. He believed in God and even loved God, but he had a terrible time believing that God love him and was willing to forgive him. While research for this about the murder of a Methodist family in Kansas he met a lot of God fearing folk. You can tell that initially he dismissed it, but after a while he was intrigued by their simple faith. I hope that my simple faith is enough to make people curious about my Savior.

If you read all of this, welcome to my life. Thank you for joinging me for such a long time. If you read all of this - well, you probably love me a lot. Thank you.