Barneyisfat

I'm reading a book about Jane Austen. I feel that I live inside Jane Austen's world - which is a pretty scary statement. The first chapter explains how Jane's nephew and other relatives tried to white-wash her until she was a friendly, insipid woman - a "dear Aunt Jane" - who never had much desire of anythign to become of her writing hobby. It is really interesting to see how scandalous her life must have been. She accepted and then refused a marriage proposal from a very wealthy man (a certain Mr. Big-Whither, no joke), she wrote about women gaining the upper hand in things, and wrote letters and reviews of critics that would make any proper woman blush.
I hope that no one tries to white-wash my life. I hope that the case can't be properly made against me of being a dull, uncaring Christian in America. I hope that when they write the biographies about me they tell of a youth who longed to serve Christ beyond the superficial North America paradigm. I hope that it is written that I fought against society to stand up for what I believed in. I hope that they write that I struggled with a lot of doubt. I hope that they never will write about my "super-faith," because it doesn't exist. I hope that I'm never thought of as a saint. I hope that people continue to see Christ in me, and at the same time I hope that they see a sinful, broken man. It's a paradox, I know, and one which I hope I can be an example of.
"Most days I don't even know." I stole that from Rachel's Facebook wall. It's the truth. I realize that my current mood swings come from my former steroid use (I just wanted to say that) but; some mornings I want to take Christ to the nations, and other mornings I want to take my faith in Him to the dumpster. They could white-wash that away easily, but it would mortify me.
There are certain things I want my grandchildren to know. I want them to know that all of my life I struggled with doubt - and that ultimately I chose Christ as my Saviour. Yes, Christ chose me ... but I had to choose to accept that gift - and I did. I hope that this fact alone is never washed away. I hope that if the only thing my grandkids know about me is this fact, well, I will die a happy old man.
I still want to change the world. I still want to hold on to Christ. I still want to love the Bible. I just struggle with these things. Praise God.