3rd Person Christmas Letter

Michael Airgood has had a very good year. He had a good spring semester in 2008. His sister, Rebecca, moved to Georgia for six weeks and lived with him while she was an intern with a gynocologist in Toccoa. It was a lot of fun for him to have his sister for the few short weeks she was there. He passed his only required math class with an A-. It was a miracle.

He completed his internship to Russia during the summer. It was a wonderful time and he learned a lot. To read more about his summer go to michaelairgood.blogspot.com. He is in the application process to be a full time career missionary with the General Board of Global Ministries.

His fall semester in 2008 was a little rocky. He was sick for some time and had many doctors' appointments. Perhaps he just can't go too many months without getting sick. He finished a 30 page senior paper and is preparing for a semester long group project.

His sister got married two days after Christmas. She and her husband, Mike Miller, and very happy together. Michael has one semester left at Toccoa Falls College.

Love, Michael Airgood.

I had somewhat of a reunion. I went out to a party and most of my graduating class was there. It was good to see old friends, and people who weren't friends then but could be now. It was good to hear where people are, what they are doing these days, and where they are heading next.

Most of my friends are at about the same place; graduating soon, no clear plans for the future, and a little nervous! It's a good place to be in life. It's fun because you know that no one will let you fall too low at this point! Even if I don't get my dream job, someone will find me something at a factory somewhere to tide me over for a season!

I'm in the application process with the General Board of Global Ministries, the United Methodist Mission Agency. I've had a phone interview with my conference committee on mission personel. They recomended me to the GBGM, which is the first big hurdle. The GBGM website says that they keep ACTIVE files open for 3 years! Yikes! I can't imagine waiting for 3 years to hear from them. Then, after I get selected for an assignment I have to pass all of the medical/psychological exams!

I've applied for a job at a church camp for the summer, and I'm looking into a few more ministry type jobs to hold me over during the application process. So, that's where I'm at.

My sister and I read the Gospel lesson for the family service on Christmas eve. Rebecca cried. Rebecca is getting married in two days, so she cries at the drop of a hat, but this was a special cry for a special event. We shared this special story with our congregation because this is a story we share daily with each other and hopefully with the world.

I've been spending time with my best guy friend from High School, Josh. Josh is a carny. He was featured on the news in West Virginia once when they interviewed people about the carnival. He's a bartender during the winter months. When I want to go visit Josh I have to walk into the bar - the sleaziest bar in my hometown - a verboten act of a good Christian boy from a small town.

On Christmas Eve I sang three solos at the Episcopal church. Then I walked to the local bar to invite Josh out to dinner the next night. Then I left the bar and walked to the United Methodist Church where I read the Gospel Lesson. Now, those who heard me sing and read at churches saw the good Christian boy I am. And those who saw me exit the bar on Christmas Eve must have seen something very different. Those who saw me leave the bar, if they even took the time to make an accurate identification, would have seen a very bad boy. Because, what kind of alcoholic, backsliding heathen needs to drink on Christmas Eve?

This is a story we share daily. There's a lot to be found in the birth story. We read it with a hint of sadness, we're so sad that Jesus was born in a filthy stable. But I don't' think the story could work any other way. Mary wasn't turned away from all the inns because they were full - Mary was turned away from all the inns because she was an unwed teenage mother. The people are called back to their hometowns to be registered, and who wants to throw up a sign that reads "This is my family - we are WhiteTrash!" Your long lost cousin comes back to town and he brings his whore of a girlfriend. What kind of good Jewish man brings his pregger, whore girlfriend with him to his hometown?

I don't think the story could work any other way. The angels appear to the shepherds - the lowest of the low in a city that doesn't start out all that high. Jesus is born in a filthy barn.

Pastor David preached on the difference between celebrating Christmas as a day and celebrating Christmas as a lifestyle. Christmas day celebrates like the magi. Gifts, glitter, tinsel a one time occurrence that doesn't change much and doesn't last long. Christmas lifestyle is lived out like the shepherds. When you live for Jesus you will be called to stinking stables and you will meet the lowest of the low. Most days you will have nothing to give, and this has been the hardest lesson for me to learn.

People see the good Christian boy singing in church and reading the eloquent story. People want to see those things. Jesus sees the hurting and broken people. Jesus wants us to see them too. Jesus wants us to share this special story with them.

I'm a stubborn person. I inherited my stubbornness from both sides of the family.

My mother's parents are so stubborn that when grandpa wanted to drive up to Pennsylvania and grandma didn't want to make the trip grandpa drove himself up to Pennsylvania and left grandma alone on her 79th birthday ... less than a year after having a massive aneurysm.

My dad's side of the family is infamous for its stubborn streak. I would choose not to share most stories because, frankly, they are embarrassing. Stubbornness isn't always so cute.

I find that nothing brings out stubbornness more than being surrounded by other stubborn people. I've been home for a little more than a week, and already my stubborn spirit is getting out of hand. I don't think I could last much longer here. I kind of wonder how I survived here so long. How I thrived in this environment.

It's been a long week. Rebecca is getting married two days after Christmas. She had her gallbladder removed on Thursday. It hasn't been easy.

It has been fun taking care of Rebecca. We've been watching a lot of television and a few good movies. We are watching Silence of the Lambs ... possible the best scary movie ever made.

I'm forming some ideas for an article about postmodern faith. I'll post it here. I will also post my Christmas letter written in 3rd person. I love Christmas traditions.

I was spending some time with a friend and her family. Crystal is in her forties, and has been a friend since I started Middle School. Crystal asked me to clarify the Christian and Missionary Alliance position on the end times.

Now, this is something I should know. I attend a C&MA school and have passed all of my Bible classes. I remember learning this material. But, I have intentionally not retained it. I received a really poor grade on a theological paper for responding, “I couldn’t care less!” to a question about my theological belief about the timing of Christ’s return.

I couldn’t care less. I honestly doubt that I could care less even if I tried. I think my views would be pretty accurate for my generation. “It’s a mystery, we live in the tension, God knows not I.” All of these answers make significantly more sense to me and my generation than “Amillennial, pre-millennial, or postmillennial” will ever make.

There is a large framed painting in a Sunday School classroom at Toccoa First UMC. It was hung in the mid-fifties. It shows the progression of time from Creation to Revelation. Every year is mapped out in perfect detail, every line is clear-cut, there is no room for gray areas. I have a pretty good guess of which older adult in my church bought and hung this particular painting. I can see his long fingers gently leveling the wide-framed picture, and his thin wiry frame stepping back and sighing in satisfaction. A place for everything and everything in its place.

I spent an hour staring at this picture once. Nothing could have been less relevant to a mind of my generation. I finally made the executive decision to remove the chart from the room that was serving young adults and to place it in an older adult Sunday School classroom. My generation is all about the gray areas, the smudged lines, and the Big Picture that eschatological theology so often clouds or misses altogether.

The Epic Fail and “Marrow” by Ani Difranco

To have sinned so strongly against my own moral conscience hurts so deeply. To have realized the painful disgrace long before the actual sin took place and to have done it anyways offends even me. I wonder how God puts up with this sinful heart. This heart that would make a conscious choice to abandon everything it believes and follow the flesh.

“The answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain why years later all you could remember was the terror of the question.
Plus, you weren't listening
You were stockpiling canned goods
making a bomb shelter of our basement.
And I can't believe you let the moral go by while you were soaking in the product placement.
And where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And where did you put all those letters that you wrote to yourself but could not address?”

Paul addresses sin. He talks about the flesh. He says that he knows what he does is wrong but that he does it anyway. And, we read these verses in church, and we gloss over the reality of his sin. Because I read those verses often and I find no redemption in them. I see the promise of redemption – but I get something so different than those around me when we read those passages. Surely those around me resonate with his cry of pain and inadequacy. Surely others understand Paul’s surrender to his flesh – others see their own copouts in his words.

“There's a smorgasbord of unspoken poisons
The whole childhood of potions that are all bottled up
And so one by one I am dusting off labels
I am uncorking bottles and filling up cups.
So go ahead and have a taste of your own medicine
and I'll have a taste of mine
But first let's toast to the lists that we hold in our fists of the things
That we promised to do differently next time.”

And my soul fails to magnify the Lord. We learned about Mary’s hymn of praise in church on Sunday. Her response to the unusual news was “my soul magnifies the Lord.” We have her hymn. Why don’t we sing the hymn of despondency that David wrote after the Bathsheba incident. Although, I guess I should be glad that David’s infidelity made it into the narrative at all. My soul, oh, my soul fails to magnify the Lord.

“Cause the answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
which might explain why years later all you could remember was the terror of the question.
Cause I'm not listening to you anymore.
My head is too sore and my heart's perforated
And I am mired in the marrow of my "well ain't that funny?" bone
Learning how to be alone and devastated.“

I feel that my willpower is too weak and my understanding of grace too small to live out the faith I so deeply love. I feel that I don’t even know myself – or that I know myself too well and don’t want to admit it.

“and Where was my conscience?
Where was my consciousness?
And what do I do with all these letters that I wrote to myself but can not address?”

I am finished with my senior paper.

I took my first final last monday ... I passed the class with a 96%

I have less than stellar grades in everything else.

I am reckless.

We are having our final Frosty Joe's (our coffee shop) of the semester - a white elephant gift exchange/open mic night.

I'm ready for a little bit of vacation time!

Rebecca is getting married in less than a month!

I used my warming tray for the last time today!

I plan on blogging during finals week.

And I’m sorry, too.

Some days it's hard to belong to a church that looks so little like Jesus.

When United Methodist read the liturgy before communion, we use a collective prayer of repentance. We pray:

“Merciful God,
We confess that we have not loved you with our whole heart.
We have failed to be an obedient church.
We have not done your will,
We have broken your law,
We have rebelled against your love,
We have not loved our neighbors,
And we have not heard the cry of the needy.
Forgive us we pray.
Free us for joyful obedience, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

I wish that every church could read and live by those words each week.

Philippians 2:5-11 reads,
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

When we depict the crucifixion scene, Jesus is drawn in the center of two criminals high on the hill. His cross is larger than the other two and it is usually shiny. This much we take for granted. Of course Jesus' cross would be shiny - He is God.

... but he made himself nothing ...

He failed to hold tight to his equality with God, and chose instead to find equality with sinners. With us. With pedophiles and gossips.

I'm so quick to get on my high horse. "I'm going to be a missionary." I tell people. I grasp for my equality with God and fail to hold tight to my equality with sinners.

And so does the rest of the church. We as one body, fail to hold tight to our equality with those most affected by Prop 8. We have failed to be an obedient church. We have not done your will.

Merciful Heavenly Father, forgive me for failing to love my neighbor. For fearing the sins of others more than your anger and sadness over my own sins. Forgive me for failing to reach out to those who need your peace this day - who need to know that the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes is still relevant and is still the King. Forgive me and my damn high horse. Help me off of it. Help me to learn to humble myself - even when it hurts - so that I may truly love others more than myself.

Amen.

I put my ipod on shuffle as I drove down to Florida. I realized that with little error my ipod contains the sum of my theology. Not textbook could ever hold all the religious views, opinions, thoughts, and ideas I hold ... but somehow the works of Ani Difranco, the podcasting of Bishop Will Willimon, a who's who of contemporary Christian singers circa 2003, and Rent! combine to flesh out my whole theology.

I wonder if this is true for everyone.

Church should be fun.

Church should be a good time to reconnect with friends and to celebrate the resurrection in our lives. I've had the honor and privilege of seeing more than a dozen adults become members of United Methodist congregations in the last few weekends. I went home to see Kane First UMC add 11 new members, 8 by profession of faith. This last weekend my grandparents and I visited a UMC here in Pompano Beach, FL. Two young men were baptised as new believers.

It's an exciting experience to see people leave behind their former lives and follow Jesus. Church should be a weekly excersize in celebrating this. Our worship should celebrate the good news of Jesus Christ. It should connect with the people we wish to reach - with those who do not yet have a saving faith.

Un churched people have two primary points of connection with traditional worhsip. Weddings and funerals. Our traditional worship experiences should remind the unchurched of weddings they have attended in the past. Our church services should be a time of celebration. Music should rarely be categorized as a dirge. The unitiated should never feel overwhelmed because of our lack of explanation - our churches do weird things and we should explain why every week.

People should leave church with a sense of joy and peace. People should leave church having encountered the risen Christ. We as leaders in the church need to stop bemoaning the lack of excitement in worship and begin to reinstate it. Church should never be a contractual obligation - and we should mourn the fact that it became that in the 1940s and 50s not refer to that time as our "hayday."

It is infinetly better to have a small group of people genuinely worshipping than to have a large congregation dreading Sunday morning.

Evangelism should be easy.

Sharing the hope we find in the good news of Christ should be something that naturally happens. It shouldn’t take programs, conferences, pulpit prodding, or a committee. It’s something we already do every day. Evangelism is simply sharing our lives with those around us; praying that at the end of the day our lives point to Christ.

Christians get very frightened when talking about Evangelism. Visions of big-haired women and slick talking preachers dance through our minds. Evangelism becomes cumbersome and difficult when we place programs, training manuals, and rules in place. There is no magical formula for sharing our faith. The Bible never calls us to cajole people to pray the “sinners prayer.” We share a simple call to make disciples for Christ.

Evangelism looks different in every situation. Evangelism for the 70+ crowd might involve hymns and a rip-roaring sermon on sin, death, and hell. Evangelism for the college crowd might be a trip to Shirley’s and a good talk about faith and doubt.

Jesus gave us a commission, not a formula; but here are a few guidelines I’ve picked up over the years and found helpful.

1. Know your crowd – telling a pre-Christian neighbor about your faith will sound different than telling a church-raised college friend. Figure out where your audience stands …
2. Move them one step closer to God – Evangelism isn’t about getting heathens saved, its about encouraging each person you meet to move one step closer to God.
3. Trust is THE factor – yelling John 3:16 at strangers might have worked at some point, but today it fails miserably. Build relationships with friends, co-workers, and neighbors on the foundation of trust. When trusting friends realize where you place your trust they are more likely to want to learn more about your faith.
4. God does the work – We don’t convert people. We don’t save people. We help people understand their need for God. We help explain what God does in our lives.

There's a little boy that takes part in the weekly kids' ministry at my church. His name is Matthew and he loves sugar. Matthew's mom and I are friends. I don't think Matthew will ever remember my name. I share the Bible lesson every week. Every week I think, "How can I make this stick for Matthew?"

I'm teaching a lesson to my Sunday School class about leaving a legacy of generations of faith. I have a few weeks to prepare still, but I can't help but think about it now. I want to leave a legacy of faith. I want Matthew to grow up to be a great Christian man.

Bishop Schnase wrote a practical application Bible study called "5 Habits of Highly Effective Congregations." The most interesting aspect of this book is his use of quality examples from churches across the size, location, and political spectrums. He used examples of children's education at rural mountain churches and at mid sized city congregations. I'm so often overwhelmed by examples of effective ministries put on by mega churches. I'm glad that mega churches were able to allocate two clergy persons and a $10,000 budget to a new ministry ... but that doesn't help small churches in need of good ideas.

I want to be a mechanism of change. I want to work behind the scenes encouraging United Methodist congregations to use techniques that stick. Our churches should do more than entertain kids. Our churches should do A LOT MORE than bore kids. Our churches should make kids into Christian adults.

I'm filled with doubt this day. There's nothing unusual about today. It's a normal day and I'm filled with my normal doubts.

I doubt God. I doubt that God is faithful, or just, or merciful, or any of those other nickel and dime words that we don't attribute to anyone but God because they don't mean anything to us. Just like God.

I doubt my ability to overcome sin. Any sin. Not any particular sin. Or God's ability to overcome sin in my life. Or my ability to live for God with or without the sin.

I doubt that I want anything other than to be comfortable and well fed and away from pain. I doubt that I will be able to hit "Publish Post" without some redemptive ending that proves that I'm really "missionary material."

And I have a lot of things that I don't doubt. I don't doubt that doubt itself is ultimately good and healthy. I don't doubt the Christs I've seen. I don't doubt the Christ I've been. I don't doubt my salvation or my calling.

I doubt that I can every really love. I see old couples with this enduring love ... and I don't think I have what it takes to make a commitment like that.

I'm okay with the doubt. I don't see it as some albatross. There's nothing abstract or symbolic about my doubt. My doubt is as real as my faith. They are inextricably linked and I praise God for that. ... oh and there it is. I am Missionary material!

I feel that my brain is on auto-pilot. I keep doing really dumb things. Like, running into walls dumb.

I'm in limbo. In every sense of the word.

It's a little weird. There's a lot going on, but I feel a good peace around all of it.

I sent in my formal application to the General Board of Global Ministries. It's such a huge step to have the first round of paperwork finished. I'm playing the waiting game in some very significant ways. The application process takes between 6 to 9 months. It's like I'm pregnant.

I'm heading home this weekend ... which should be fun. It will be a crazy whirlwind of a weekend, not a vacation by any means!

Sorry I don't have anything important to say. I wrote a poem ... which I have considered putting it up here. I'll look at it again in a few days and see if it embarrasses me yet.

I'm proud of you for voting for John McCain. His policies line up with your own. I think with your super-strong opinion on the issue of abortion it would be morally wrong for you to vote for Obama. I know that your strong morality comes from your Christian faith.

Now I want you to be proud of me. I want you to be proud that I voted for Barack Obama. His policies line up with mine. I want you to understand that MY strong morality comes from my Christian faith as well. I know our main issues are different, but I need you to understand that Barack Obama stands for moral issues I also stand for.

I believe it is inhuman for our government to even consider torturing our prisoners of war. John McCain, who was at one point a prisoner of war and should know better, supports current methods used. I mourn the fact that I belong to a country that would use torture for any reason.

I believe this war in Iraq is unjust, unprovoked, and a moral failure of our country. John McCain would appoint men of strong military leadership who have supported this war as cabinet members. I mourn the fact that I belong to a country that could be brought to war because of fear of an invisible enemy. I mourn the fact that thousands of Americans have died in vain. I mourn the fact that many more Iraqi's have died because of my sin and the sin of others like myself who have failed to stand up to our government in the face of this unjust war.

I believe that it is morally wrong to discriminate against gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and trans gendered people. The truest expression of our faith is how we treat each other and the people around us - and I see little faith expressed towards the GLBT community. I mourn the fact that I belong to a country that allows hate-mongering to trump love and commitment in the marriage debate.

I believe that abortion is wrong. However, I believe that legislation is not the answer. Countries with no abortion rights have statistically similar levels of abortion (illegal abortion) but significantly higher levels of women dying because of failed (and successful) abortion attempts. I mourn the fact that I belong to a faith that believes the only way they can bring true change on this issue is through legislation. I believe abortion should be safe, legal, and exceedingly rare. No legislation can accomplish this ... only the love of Jesus Christ acted out in big ways can do this.

I want you to be proud of me. I want you to realize that for me, voting for John McCain would have gone against my own moral conscience. A moral conscience built by my strong Christian faith.

I'm struggling with the concept of salvation. I'm just not sure why. Here's an inside look into my thought process. You're welcome.

I realize more and more that I need a definition of salvation that goes beyond an emotional experience at summer camp. Not that my understanding of salvation is wrong, just that it is insufficient. I have a definition that works for me. I'm continually wrestling with the fact that my concept of God is always just big enough for me at this moment.

A friend confesses that he and his girlfriend are having sex and I give him directions to the health clinic. A friend loses her son to drugs and we take her out to make her feel better. I want to do more to serve the kids on campus so I serve coffee at the coffee shop … and I think that all of these things are good … but they fall far short of the good news I believe in my heart. They do little to bring salvation to the people. Perhaps they pay homage to my insufficient concept of salvation.

As a Christian I want to bring salvation to the people. I want to see people saved. But, I don’t … understand … what that … means? Or, I do, for me – but not for others. I’ll know it when I see it? Maybe. Or maybe I'm just tired of the old paradigm and the social stigma surrounding the phrase "get saved." At a funeral I attended recently the pastors prayed the sinners’ prayer four times. Just to make sure that everyone in attendance was saved for sure. "In case there's one person here who has never prayed the sinner's prayer, I'm going to pray it one more time. Just pray with me ..."

I think there’s more to salvation. Or at least at some level I think there's more to salvation. I don’t want to make it more complicated or add extra steps because I don’t believe that is biblical in any way. I believe that to become a Christian you must believe in your heart and confess with your lips that Christ is Lord. I believe that is what scripture teaches. So yes, praying to ask Christ into our hearts is the only step to salvation. I'm unwilling to negotiate any further steps.

My doubt stairs me in the face when I witness. I know all of the "right" answers to all of the questions sinners have. But the pat answers fail to calm my troubled heart - and how can I in good conscience give them to others. I'm okay with my doubt. I believe it's part of my faith and a darn good part. I think I'm less concerned with my doubt and more concerned with the paradigm that salvation is a process of one person who knows all the answers telling an uninformed idiot all the right answers.

Why are most of our salvations among children and most of the salvations in the Bible among adults and families? Could it be that our current paradigm only fits telling the right answers to those who haven't found any answers for themselves?


So maybe I’m glad that the funeral attendees had four opportunities to confess with their lips … perhaps I just wish they had more incentive to believe in their hearts. I feel that heart service should happen before lip service.

I wish people wouldn't choose salvation like they were choosing a new sweater. I wish there was some level other than intellectual and emotional on which we could meet people to offer them salvation.

So ultimately I guess I wrestle with the questions, "How do I bring salvation to the people?" How do I offer peace and hope to a dying world without sounding insensitive and intolerant? How do we present the message in new ways to new hearers? How do we present the good news while allowing room for our own doubt? How do we offer salvation without starting at the conclusion that we have all the right answers?

Why do I always end up with more questions than answers?

Why don't we have any prophets? I mean, how weird would it be if someone was hired by a church to be a prophet?

There's this theory in the business world that you should hire the best and the brightest and not give them a job description. Just let them find a place.

Maybe we do have prophets ... we just don't call them as much.

The 400 Fund

Maybe we just don't give our prophets the credit they deserve.

Dr. Smith, my mentor, and I had a really good conversation on the topic of being an agent of change. He was ominous. He told me that as long as I as a Christian am an agent of change people will not like me. As long as I try and shake things up I will be in the minority. "You'll never be put in a position of power needed to actually make the change, but you will get close enough to make a difference."

I am becoming more and more convinced that serious change needs to happen in the church. I will ponder Dr. Smith's words for a long long time.

I'm enjoying my fall break. Jake Raynor and I drove down to Florida for the weekend. On Friday night we stopped in Macon to have dinner with my friend Brittany. We ended up spending a few hours there and watched the movie "Stardust." Interesting movie.

Jake dropped me off at my grandparent's house and then drove himself to his home in Orlando.

On Saturday the G-units and I went mall walking, sang hymns for several hours, did a crossword puzzle, and went to Golden Corral. Ah, retirement. I also took a two hour nap and organized grandma's coupons for her.

On Sunday we woke early and listened to Jerry Fallwell, Charles Stanley and then went to church and heard why Obama is the anti-Christ. Then we went out for lunch, sang hymns, did a crossword puzzle, and watched the ball game.

Jake picked me up and I'm at his house now. We are going to Universal in a little bit ... which couldn't hope to compare to the pure joy of doing crossword puzzles as a family sport. Haha.

I went to a funeral the other day. We were there to celebrate the life of an adult son of a co-worker of mine. Ben was a little older than me when he died. Beverly was devastated. There are certain rules and norms about behavior at a funeral or a viewing. The bereaved should be polite and formal. "Thank you for coming. Yes, he led a good life. It has been very difficult for the family. Your prayers are appreciated."

Beverly didn't follow any of the rules. She sobbed. She wept. Her whole body shook as tears rolled out of her stomach in audible gasps for air. She looked as though she would collapse from the pain of it all.

Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn." And, I don't get that. I don't understand it yet. I feel like I was blessed to see Beverly mourn. It was so refreshing to see someone be so real. I live in the deep south where make-up and big hair rule the land. Real tears are a scarcity. I don't understand how she was blessed, though.

Jesus said so many things that I just don't understand. And, it's not like I just don't have the proper hermeneutic or anything like that. Some of his sayings just don't jive with my life. Like, they weren't meant for me ... or more that those words were meant for someone else on this day and another day they'll be for me.

Maybe Jesus could have said that Blessed are those who get to see honesty. Or Blessed are the honest. Those would make more sense to me on this day. I guess the thing I'm learning right now is that everything doesn't have to make sense.

I come to the awkward realization that my life is less than radical. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. This shouldn’t be a surprise to me. I’m comfortable. I’m good. People like me. And, none of these things are bad. I’m glad that I’m a good person. I’m glad people like me. But I feel that my life is missing a certain amount of radicalism.

Now, I’m generally against radicalism. I’m terrified of fundamentalist anythings. I think that the world would be a lot better if everyone would just take one step to the left or right in the direction of center. My life would be better if I could just keep a little bit more center. My life would be easier if everyone around me could just keep a little bit more center.

I wonder some days why I’m good. John M. Patrick said, "He who remains good simply because he must serves necessity, not God." I wonder how often I hold my tongue because I must. Now, I don’t want to be bad. I want to be good. I just want to have the right motivation. I guess I’m just waiting for that proper motivation to fall into place. Am I obeying the rules because I don’t want to get kicked out? Am I being good so I don’t upset my friends?

I want to be more radical in my faith. But, I fear I don’t have many examples of truly radical faith. I have models of well-behaved obedient men and women who happen to be Christians. I have many such models. Most of the people around me follow all of the rules. My friend Janet owns a shirt that reads, “Well behaved women rarely make history.” It’s a great quote, and true of all people. I don’t think that having a radical, vibrant relationship with God is about following all the rules. I think it’s about so much more.

I just don’t know exactly what that “more” is. Well, it’s love. Or Jesus. Or grace. Or whatever buzz-word of the month I’m on. And I mean those words. And I find so much hope in those words and in exploring and trying to understand those words that are so crucial to the life of Christ. But at the end of the day I feel like little more than a nominal Christian. I love God and yet I love myself a lot, too. I want peace but I want to enjoy my sin as well. I want to offer grace but only on my conditions. I want to offer Christ to the homeless and hopeless – I just don’t want to have to smell them.

I’m a little bit stuck. Maybe a lot stuck. My faith is filled with so much doubt, and I’m surrounded by people who have all the answers … but they don’t seem any happier or better for it. I want to be happier or better for it. Whatever this “more” is, I want to be happier or better for it. I want to follow Jesus in a radical way. I’m just trying to find out what that means.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness." — Jean Vanier…

I went and spoke at St. Paul UMC in Lincolnton, GA on Sunday. I spoke about my mission trip this summer and about community. It was a really fun experience.

I decorated my house for Halloween. I wish there was a super-spiritual meaning behind Halloween (because no one buys the "All Hallows Eve is Christian" line) so I didn't feel so bad that Halloween is probably my favorite holiday. I mean Easter. I love Easter most. I'm a good Christian.

I'm slowly realizing that it's less important what other Christians think about me and infinitely more important what the un-churched around me think. I want to live my life with more freedom and joy ... even if that does piss off a lot of Christians. I have a lot of thinking left to do on the subject. Maybe I'll blog about it.

Maybe.

I'm officially old. I was in Wal-Mart last night waiting for a perscription to be filled and I looked through the poster display. I only understood four of the posters. I didn't even know what the others were about. I didn't know any of the "musicians" and only got the Chuck Norris poster because his show is from my generation.

Yep. That's it. I'm officially old. Well, no need to trim my ear hair or try to keep riding the fashion train. I'm going to go eat some porridge or anything I can find that's a little less spicy than porridge.

Some days it feels like the world is going to collapse. Most days it doesn't. It's weird to hear all the latest talk about the current economic situation.

I think about the things that Jesus said about our money ... he said a lot of things about it.

He said we couldn't worship it.

He said that we didn't need it.

He said we could let it go.

He said a lot more. It makes the scary go away when we read his words.

And I think that today we just need the scary to go away for a little while.

Everest

"from the depth of the pacific
to the height of everest
and still the world is smoother
than a shiny ball-bearing
so i take a few steps back
and put on a wider lens
and it changes your skin,
your sex, and what your wearing
distance shows your *silhouette*
to be a lot like mine
like a sphere is a sphere
and all of us here
have been here all the time
yeah, we've been here all the time*

you brought me to church
cinder blocks, flourescent light
you brought me to church
at seven o'clock on a sunday night
and the band was rockin'
and the floors were scrubbed clean
and everybody had a tambourine

so i took a deep breath and became
the white girl with the hair
and you sat right beside me
while everybody stared
and through the open window
i think the singing went outside
and floated up to tell
all the stars not to hide
'cuz by the time church let out
the sky was much clearer
and the moon was so beautiful
that the ocean held up a mirror

as we walked home we spoke slowly
we spoke slow
and we spoke lowly
like it was taking more time
than usual to choose
the words to go
with your squeaky sandal shoes
like time is not a thing
thats ours to lose

from the height of the pacific
to the depths of the everest..."

I love this song by Ani DiFranco. I realize more and more the privilege it is to be part of God's redemptive plan. The joy it is to share the good news of Jesus Christ with those around us. The grace behind my small part in the story.

Sometimes I think that God will be so disappointed in me that God will stop using me. I have this ridiculously human fear that God's grace will shrivel up and die and I will be left alone in the squalor of my sinful choices. And yet, I am continually surprised by God's grace. I am reminded that God has a redemptive plan and I am part of it. With all of my wrong God still uses me. God still has a plan for me - God can and does still use even me for the great good.

Merciful Heavenly Father, thank you for using me in small ways to affect others. Thank you for forgiving me of my sins although they are numerous. God, when I fail - and I will - I want to have no fear, but rather to live in the knowledge of your grace. Thank you for including me, Lord.

I think there's this part of me that is learning to love again. Like I've just been so bitter that I couldn't love. And for a long time I just wanted to feel love. I mean, I love my friends and all ... and I have ... but I feel that I'm a lot more open to loving now. I realize that I can love without being loved in return and that its OK. It's not the end of the world if those I love don't love me with the same tenacity. I'm a lot more OK with that now.

I'm allowed to be happy. I give myself permission to love. I give myself permission to fail.

There’s this great scene in Family Guy. Baby Stewie marries Olivia, a child actress. They live in a cardboard home and have pasta spaghetti for dinner. Olivia asks Stewie how his day went and he replies, “Well, it was a long one. First I was an astronaut, then I was a cowboy, and then I was a fireman.” It’s a great montage of children pretending to live in a grown up world. At one point, a few days after the wedding, they have a conversation.

Stewie: We are in a sexless relationship. We have yet to have sex.
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie: Of course I do … is it some kind of cake? That’s beside the point.

As I think more and more about God’s relationship with humans, I just can’t help think that we’ve understood something terribly wrong. That at this point in our theology we have achieved little more than a disconnect. Stewie doesn’t know what sex is, but he knows he isn’t getting any. Maybe we have no concept of love. Maybe we have no concept of grace.

I realize more and more that my theology is too small. My theology is just large enough for my current life situation. My theology isn’t big enough for the Holocaust. My theology isn’t big enough for the crack whore’s crack addicted baby. My theology isn’t big enough for the bulimic, lesbian middle schooler trying desperately to fit in at youth group. My theology is simply too small.

But, as I look to Jesus I realize that somehow His theology is big enough. His understanding of God and how God interacts with us is big enough. Jesus held to a theology that was big enough for tax collectors, whores, rapists, murderers, gossipers, and lying 12 year olds.

The Bible says that God’s grace is sufficient. And I have to believe that. I have to believe that when nothing makes sense, that God’s grace is sufficient. I have to believe that whether God “has everything planned out” or whether God “doesn’t know if I’ll choose Subway or McDonalds” that God’s grace is still sufficient. I have to believe that my understanding of God and humankind’s interaction with God doesn’t change God.

That my inability to understand love or grace or forgiveness doesn’t hinder God’s ability to love or show grace or forgive.

That when my understanding of God amounts to little more than a total disconnect that God’s grace is still sufficient.

God, I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how you created me or how you still manage to love me. Your grace is sufficient, your love is tremendous, your forgiveness undeniable. May my simple life help one person understand your nature just a little bit better than I can.

Rebecca has missed my blogging, and quite frankly, so have I. I have missed the cathartic excercise.

I'm working on the application process for the General Board of Global Ministries. It makes me feel so vulnerable to know that my entire life (hyperbole?) is in their hands! All they see of me is a few slips of paper. It's so weird. I know that this is just the first step, but it still feels inadequate.

I had friends over to watch Son of Rambow. You must rent it. It is one of the best moveis I've ever seen.

I'm wrestling with the whole "view of God" dialogue. It's weird, because more than anything else I agree with the ideas behind openness. Openness says that God doesn't know the future. God is still omniscient ... he knows everything there is to know ... but that doesn't include the future.

That really jives with me. Take the holocaust: Openness says that God knew Hitler was a really bad man and that he put it in the hearts of man to stop him, but that people failed. With a Calvinist perspective, God caused the Holocaust. With an Arminian view, God knew the Holocaust was coming and did nothing to stop it.

Or, take the idea of where people go who have never heard the good news. Heaven or Hell? A strict Calvinist view is that they are not of the elect and will burn in Hell. A strict Arminian view is that God knows these people will die without hearing the word and there is nothing God can do about it. A Universalist says that they all go to Heaven. Openness could believe that God has a plan to save all of those who haven't heard, but that because we are free creatures there are a lot of us who are choosing not to follow God's plan and because of that all of those people will go to Hell. God has decided to leave their salvation in our hands, and we are screwing up ... but God holds out hope.

It's an interesting proposition, really. I'll need to think more about it.

I love reading missionary biographies. David Livingstone, Amy Carmichael, Mother Teresa, Hudson Taylor; I love their stories. It's interesting to note the things the biographer conveniently leaves out. I wonder why they never recall the dark nights of lonely passion. I wonder why the don't record the frustration of doubt: "I'm such a hypocrite, and yet I am to take Your precious good news to the ends of the earth?" I wonder why they record the numerous salvation experiences but leave out the times the missionary found himself or herself in the most unglamorous places; because the missionary call is just as significantly to the party where they're passing out cocaince as it is to Africa and grass huts. They will never write a book about the cocaine party. There isn't a market for records of massive failures in the lives of your favorite spiritual guides.

I remember the last time Facebook made a major overhaul. I remember the upset and the mutual disgust. We called it Stalkerbook because it told you every time someone ended a relationship and began a new one. I can't function without this information today. I remember the outrage only because I face it again. Facebook is again making major changes.

Change is a little hard to deal with. My church in Toccoa just swapped out both of our pastors. I was gone for the summer and haven't heard one word of complaint. Any complaining has swept past us in those two months I was gone. Maybe a whole bunch of people have left the church in disgust of the new clergy ... but the seats have been filled by others and we don't miss them.

Sometimes we're afraid of change. Even when change is good and necessary we are afraid to do it. We begin the process of adding another service at Toccoa First UMC, and I pray that we continue unafraid. Because sometimes change is good and necessary ... and often anyone who would be against it will fade away quickly. So far I haven't heard any opposition, and I feel that maybe now the people are getting it. I think my friends are beginning to understand that this change is needed.

I was talking about a heretic the other day. I was talking about a book by Bishop John Shelby Spong. Bishop Spong denies the resurrection. I'm not particularly against heresy ... but I have issue with denying the resurrection. I mean, as I see it, without the resurrection we really don't have anything to go on.

But then I started to think about it. Although my theology doesn't deny the resurrection my life does. Daily sometimes. Everytime I'm selfish and sinful I deny the resurrection. I would never think of denying it on an intellectual, theoretical level, but I don't think twice about denying it through my life. I would never misstate it in words, but I wholeheartedly deny it in actions often.

Because, for my generation they don't need proof that the tomb was empty, they need proof that our hearts are full.

Well, a lot has happened in life recently. Rebecca, my sister, is engaged. Mike, her fiance, proposed in front of everyone at our party. It was super sweet.

I'm on my way back down to Georgia. I spent a night with Bob and Ruth Higginbotham and a night with Bill and Lori Beatty. I'm on my way to Meredith Beck's house and then on to the Zambrowicz' family home. I'll get into Toccoa Late Wednedsday night or early Thursday morning.

It feels good to be independent again after spending more than a week with the family. It feels really good.

I had something really great to blog about, but I forgot it. I'm sure when I'm back in my routine I will be back to blogging regularly again.

I have been watching a lot of informercials lately. They are on TV all the time during the summer, and I enjoy watching mind numbing entertainment. It's great fun to watch the overly-excited host proudly proclaiming the most spectacular claims.

I'm amazed at how well every product works. But, while watching the wonders of television camera tricks I realize that none of the products work nearly as well as they claim. If they did, everyone's home would be spotless, all abs would be in packs of six or more, and meal preparation would never take more than 15 minutes and one gadget. We know that infomercials are fake. We hear the hurried prodding "and if you order in the next 30 seconds..." and we know that something about the message is off. If we pay attention we understand that the company knows if we spend more than 10 minutes thinking about our decision we will come to our senses.

Sometimes at church, particularly at youth gathering, I get the same vibe. I hear a person with a little too much enthusiasm proudly proclaiming the most spectacular claims. The offer is made to the gathered crowd and then the pleading begins. We use rhyming phrases. "Hell is too long to be wrong." We offer extras on the side. We give a time limit, "I'm going to keep this altar open for a few more minutes."

It's as though we are afraid that if the people stop and carefully consider the offer they will reject it. It's a sad state of affairs.

Jesus never used these tactics. He told people not to follow Him if they didn't have what it takes. He encouraged people to follow Him, but in the same breath He told them to count the cost. If they weren't willing to give up family and friends to follow Him they probably didn't have the dedication needed to follow him. He told the people that if they needed a miracle to believe then they didn't have the faith to follow anyway.

No catchy slogan, no sequined outfit, no photo-shopped pictures. Just a remarkable offer and a life to back it up.

I'm watching the olympics. I love watching athletes. I love watching such extremely disciplined people.

I consider myself a poorly disciplined person. I'm obviously overweight. (Although, at my heaviest I weighed 316 and I'm down to 266 ... so 50lbs down!) I rarely remember to take a full course of anti-biotics. I can't do 12-step programs. I just don't do discipline.

Sometimes I think I would be happier if I was more disciplined. I'll work on that. Haha.

So, I realize that I have been ignoring my dear friends who read my blog here. I have been busy updating my Russia blog.

I'm back in Kane, PA. It's weird to be home again. Mom is currenly giving a lesson to a very elderly gentleman. I'm driving my "new" car. My great-uncle failed his vision test so my grandparents got his nice, new car and I was given their '96 Oldsmobile. Mom gets my '99 Monte Carlo. My first car was an Oldsmobile. It was a '92 and was built shortly before automatic door locks and windows were available. Other than that it was truly the perfect car.

My "new" Oldsmobile is exactly like my first car, except it has both automatic door locks and windows. I couldn't be happier. I will need to find a way to use my new i-pod with the tape deck, though.

Mary Sirianni and I went out last night. We went for a walk on main street to see how many former classmates we could spot. Sadly, all of our street friends had gone into hiding by the time we took our walk.

Mom and I had a great conversation about the fact that I feel that my generation will change the world. Every time we see someone from my class smoking pot on mainstreet she asks, "That's the generation that will change the world?" I always respond in the affirmative.

I went stargazing with my German friends the other night. When we first walked together into the large field, the sun was still setting and just a few stars were visible. As the sun set further into the forest and our eyes began adjusting to the relative darkness, we began to make out a few constellations. We quickly identified the big and little dippers, mainstays of the night sky. Joe, our pastor for the week, taught me to find the north star in correlation to the dippers. The basics were clear and easy.

As the night grew darker and our eyes let in more and more starlight, more stars appeared. It was fun to find more constellations. Soon there were so many stars that I stopped trying to find the constellations and just started staring into space. I saw something of interest and decided I wanted to know where at in the sky it was. I looked for the big and little dipper … but I simply couldn’t find them anymore. There were so many new and different stars in sight that I couldn’t find the old familiar standbys.

I think that theology is a lot like this. At first we are shown the basics. “God is love.” “Love others.” We learn other tidbits of theology through these basics. As we continue to grow and our theology deepens we see more and more of the vastness that had been hidden for so long. Eschatology, angelology, hermeneutics, how many angels can you balance on the head of a pin? All of these things come running into our minds and we are thrilled with the new discoveries. Until we realize that, try as we may, we can’t pinpoint the basics. We know they are there – we know that God is still love and that we must still love others – but we can’t find them in the mess of new thoughts.

Should we therefore stop studying theology? Should we run inside and hide after identifying the first twelve stars the night has to offer? No, but we must remember to continually look to the basics that we may never lose our footing.

I just finished a very interesting book on Evangelism in a postmodern world. “Live to Tell” by Brad Kallenberg is a good start to a difficult problem. His main thesis (and I’m quite bad at pairing things down, so bear with me) is that modern Evangelistic techniques fail to work in a postmodern age because they fail to live up to the Biblical model of Evangelism and were, in retrospect, merely a response to the modernist worldview. Brad believes that if the Christian church rejected modern evangelistic techniques and took up a more biblically based approach we would see much more fruit. Intriguing – here’s what I took from it.

The 4-spiritual laws were written to pair the Gospel message down to a more palatable form that the modern world could easily swallow. Modernists took the greatest story every told and stripped it of all narrative elements (because their thought structure deplores pure narrative) and reduced it to unmovable laws. It was a brilliant strategy to win the minds of a modern world and really rather effective.

A postmodern mind, on the other hand, thrives on narrative. We need stories.

We associate the word shoe with what goes on our feet because our mothers said “shoe” as they placed them on our feet. We associate the word with comfort, with support, and with protection because we have learned that shoes are good for all of these things. Most people have no concept of God. A modern with no concept of God craves to know the bear minimum, the facts that he or she can memorize by rote and spit back on a final exam. The postmodern wants to hear a story of who God is. He or she wants to know how we know that God is good.

Now, what has always bothered me about our current evangelization efforts (namely the idea that if we just get “them” to acknowledge our religion as factually superior they must convert) is that sometimes our religion isn’t factually superior. There are items in the Christian faith that simply don’t make much sense. Islam makes perfect sense – it factually corresponds to the way we think – do enough good to cancel out your bad and you’re in! That’s the way we think … Christianity is the opposite of how we naturally think. “Give up all your rights and surrender to a God and the amount of good or bad you do is irrelevant, but do good anyway,” doesn’t make much sense. At least, not to us.

A postmodern evangelistic effort is rooted in community. Bring people into the community and allow them to see how we live. The hope, of course, is that we live differently enough to attract life change. We learn the word “shoe” as our mother put them on our feet. We learn the word “Christian” as we see them in life and on TV. We learn what it means to be a Christian as we live life with them and watch how they interact one with another.

It’s a scary prospect, to invite non-believers into our churches and homes so that they can see the lives we live. It’s a lot easier to puke up 4 laws that reduce God to fit our minds’ conceptions. But, it’s also more biblical and more in line with church tradition.

At the moment I am working at a drug and alcohol rehab center in Samara, RU. We do this, every day. We invited alcoholics and drug addicts into our home that they may see how we live. We invite them to say “our” prays with us until the prayers become “their” prayers. We invite them to follow along as we read God’s holy scriptures until our lives show the truth behind the words. We invite them to join us in singing until the songs become a form of worship for them.

And it works.

I'm really frustrated about a lot of things right now. I feel very isolated even though I'm surrounded by people.

We went to a lake today and one of the older men was like "Isn't this better than America?" Now, I try not to be too egocentric ... but no beach in Russia cold ever compare with an American one ... they simply haven't caught on to the idea that litter is bad. And this was just a little hole in the river. I get really frustrated that everyone wants me to make value calls comparing countries. I'm not some crazy flag waving Amercn, but I love the things I grew up with and the comforts I'm used to. I wish people would stop asking me which is better. I don't want to lie.

I'm also really frustrated by my lack of ability in learning a foreign language. I know it's hard for everyone, but I'm so exhausted day in and day out ... and I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything.

I also hate it when people try and accomadate my tastes with food. When I was sick I let it out of the bag that I hate fish. Now when everyone else eats fish I get half a hunk of pork flesh. Yum.

I had a great blog all ready, but sadly the battery on my laptop is dead and I can't charge it until Sunday. Sad day.

You'll get to read it later. I'm having a really interesting time at the Rehab Center. I have a lot of time while workin the garden to pray, think, and reflect about my life and where I am headed. It's been a good time for me.

Love, michael.

So ... I'm pretty sure I'm teething. My wisdom teeth are coming in. Thank God I'm in a country where mother nature's natural cure is cheaper than water! Haha.

Well it seems I have better and faster internet here than I do at school. Go figure. I've met some really fun people at the seminary. One of the girls who works here is black - literally the first black person I have ever seen in Russia. When I saw her I assumed that she was an african AMERICAN and I started speaking at her in English. She just got a really confused look and walked away. That was awkward.

I think some of the students and I will go for a walk tonight. Tomorrow I am going to Konakovo. My primary object is to let them know that I am on my way - my secondary object is to get an address for Igor in Moscow, because I can't afford to stay at the seminary. It's costing me $40 a night! Prices in Moscow are unbelievably high. And, I would love to hang out with Igor again. If he isn't in Moscow during the summer I know a few other people who have apartments in Moscow ... now it's just down to finding a reasonable comfortable floor.

I've tried 4 times to take a shower - they are fixing the one on my floor, the one on the floor beneath mine is broken, and the other option isn't working this hour. I think I will get to use the Bishop's shower if this isn't worked out by tomorrow. Holy water. Haha. This is why I keep a separate blog for church people and one for friends. Haha.

I love airports and people watching. I love Finnish people. I love the androgenous nature of Finnish women. Such fun.

So, I had thought about going to the Korean Methodist service tomorrow night, but I figured I might still be tired from Jetlag and I didn't want to disrespect them by looking tired ... but then I thought ... how would they know. Haha. Get it. haha. Asians. Haha.

I'm reading a really interesting book on economics, "More Sex is Safer Sex." Really interesting read - I'm not sure if I agree with the author's premise, but I adore the inflammatory title!

I saw the best movie last night. "Son of Ranbow" is in smaller, trendier theatres - but it's worth the search out. A really fun movie with minimal (and appropriate) cussing, a great plot, and positive moral values.

I'm in Boston visiting John Holwick and Rachel Pollock. Last night we sat around with a few of Rachel's friends and discussed our futures. It was really fun to find myself in an environment where missions is seen as a negative.

I'm constantly surrounded by missions supporters - so to be with people to whom I had to defend my very way of life was a good change. I need to remember that when I am in Russia most Russians will not be too keen on the idea of an Ugly American coming over to "fix" them. I needed this intermediary place to remember why I am in missions and to know that I can defend what I want to do.

I'm so excited to go and explore the city today!

I'm at home for a few days. Home is difficult for me. It's weird to give up all of my personal freedoms for the joy of spending time with family. Rebecca has moved out and it done living here, so it's essentially a retirement home in waiting.

I miss my home and my friends. I will be spending a few days with John Holwick and Rachel Pollock. I'm so excited to see them again. And then I will be heading to Russia.

I have created a blog for everyone to keep up with while I am in Russia. As long as I can get on-line and post to it, it should be a lot of fun. michaelairgood.blogspot.com .

All of my grades are finally in. Two A's, two B's and a C. Not stellar but not too bad. I retain my scholarship for another semester anyway.

I'm waiting for my visa (and Passport) to arrive in the mail. I'm getting a little impatient.

I saw the most beautiful house I've ever seen. It overlooks a mountain and a river at the same time. It has a wrap around deck and at least three levels of outdoor seating. You could have the perfect party and no one would ever have to go inside!

I have nothing insightful to say. Sorry.

I haven't figured out how to check my grades with the new computer system TFC has purchased. Michael is angry! Haha.

I have an A for my independent study and a B- for my Religious Belief Systems. The 72% on my doctrinal questionaire didn't help~!

If I got an A on my math final I should get an A in the course.

My Old Testament class ... well I'm praying for a D- at the moment so I don't have to take it again. Anything above that will be a gift from the Lord.

I feel like I'm going to get a C in my photography class ... but I loved it and did all the work so I'm hoping for a good grade.

I had an amazing semester ... I spent a lot of time getting to know really good people. I have a number of really strong, passionate friendships that took a lot of investment; they were all worth it. I wish I had invested more in more people, though.

Happy Mothers' Day.

As happy as I am to spend a few more days with dear friends, I really wish I could have been home to hear my mother's postlude this morning.

I really wish I could be worshipping with mom this morning.

On Sunday Night I attended the Professor Discussion Night dealing with the topic of homosexuality.

It was one sided, naturally - but at least we are talking about it and speaking out against the "bubba effect" (homophobia). I have one statement to make regarding Queer theology (theological defense of homosexuality as anything other than a sin):

Those who search the scripture in defense of the GLBT lifestyle don't sit down with the idea, "How can I twist scripture to get it to say what I want it to." They begin with the truth that God's Holy Scripture has been used throughout the centuries for evil. They start their search with the understanding that the Bible has been used in the past to support slavery, the crusades, and the abuse of women. They look at scripture and ask, "Has God's word been twisted to the abuse of the gay community?"

And, honestly, I believe it has. I also agree that liberals do twist scripture to support gay rights - but God's word is being blatantly miss used in regards to homosexuality. 9 little verses mixed in with lists of other sins has lead to the outright outcasting of a group of people from the church. I believe the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong - I don't believe it places it in a special category. I don't believe anyone (who gives the issue a fair reading) could say that homosexuality is a "special" sin.

We will be having a movie night at my house (80 Schaefer Ct) This Thursday, May 8th at 8pm. on the topic. Feel free to come on over.

Some days tought decisions need to be made. It's so easy to see the speck in my brothers' eye. It's so tough to realize that I'm having more than contact problems. I probably have a plank in my eye. Probably.

Sometimes we get so good at preaching a particular sermon. It's a sermon that flows naturally from our own particular gifts and graces - condemning those who fail to live up to our standards.

Some days I'm the self righteous one.

It hurts to admit that one.

___________________________________________________

I had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Hanging out with a great friend, 18 dinner guests, and Godspell/Exorcist in one weekend pretty much ruled!

Vassya (my cat) hurt his paw. I know the feeling. Poor thing.

"Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer." - Dorothy Day.

I'm so damn tired of conservatives refering to my entire theology as "that love stuff" in that damn condescending tone they are want to use.

Love God, love people. It fits on a T-shirt, it consumes every life of devotion. It's quite possibly incomplete ... but honestly, friends, even the most complete theology has few informed believers and droves of un-educated, ignorant faithful.

In Russian Orthodox theology they describe God in apophatic terms. They describe what God is not. (God is not evil, etc.) It helps people to understand what God is without limiting Him. We evangelicals have our own apophatic theology. We do not have sex before marriage, we do not smoke cigarets, we do not drink alcohol, etc. The problem with apophatic teaching is that the specific attributes are lost. Russian people know what God is not, but often fail to understand who He is. Evangelical youth know not to fuck each other's brains out, but they fail to understand what it means to live out the teachings of Christ.

There are lots of ugly people who aren't having sex - it doesn't make them Christians. It just makes them ugly. There are a lot of uptight people who don't smoke, drink, or cuss because it isn't their lifestyle. We tell our children to be "good" but we forget that "only God is good."

If you're an alcoholic, the first step to beating it is to admit that you're an alcoholic. If you're a sinner - you had better be the first to announce it, loudly, in public. People get angry at me for "corrupting" people. I haven't corrupted anyone. I've made friends acknowledge that they were white washed tombs.

Most days I want to be so fucking selfish. I want the world to revolve around me. Some days I find God's love lived out in my life. Some days I love God and I love people.

I would rather my friends live sinful lifestyles -admitting to living in sin - than to have one friend living a "good Christian life" as a whitewashed tomb. I'm so damn tired of people being "good."

I'm glad you don't smoke, drink, cuss, or fornicate ... but I would much rather see you caring about the poor and living a generous life.

I hope that my friends will take the next step after admitting their sin, and turn from it - but I won't ask what I don't always model myself.

From Bishop Bickerton's Blog about General Conference:

Yesterday I had an amazing opportunity to address the General Conference concerning the “Nothing but Nets” campaign. It was World Malaria Day. As a part of that address I walked into the aisle and invited the delegates to consider what it might look like if they bought bed nets during that session. In a spontaneous movement of the body, delegate after delegate came to the center table and placed their offerings in support of the campaign. Those gifts are now up to $14, 750 among the 1,000 delegates and hundreds of visitors!

Yet, shortly after that presentation, I was approached by someone in the office whose first words to me were, “You know, you just broke the rules of the General Conference and threw the financial people into a mad frenzy to collect and count the money.” He was serious. My reply was simple, “The affirmation of this body speaks for itself. In just a few moments we just saved 1,450 children’s lives in Africa. I’ll disrupt this General Conference every day if I can get that kind of response.”

We are a church that is often more concerned with rules and regulations that make us feel comfortable with predictability. We are a church that emotionally desires the leading of the spirit, but practically cannot find a way to just “let it happen.” - Bishop Thomas J. Bickerton

I got a 97% on my math test. I'm just really happy ... now if I can just get started on my Religious Belief Systems project!

Michael is ... ridiculous.

I love my generation. I love us. We're so thrilled just to get our name out there; that everyone could see our face is a thrill too high to hop.e

I realize that some days I wear my liberalism on my sleeve a little too much. I need to tone it down a bit, maybe.

My sunday school class voted to give me $1,000 for my mission trip this summer. It was one of those, ... "Uhmm ... thanks"... moments where, in all actuality, there are no words to convey the intended meaning. It's so encouraging to know that a group believes in you and supports you. Here's to the other 4 or so coming in quickly!

I've been working toward an emo haircut, just waiting for my hair to grow out. I have been thinking that I look more and more ridiculous every day, but I saw pictures from last night ... and my hair doesn't look awful.

I'm triple booked tonight ... which I like. I have a funny sense of abandonment when my friends do outdoorsy things and don't invite me. I feel like the slowest zebra who would slow down the pack ... but really; it's hiking not outrunning a lion. Just keep that in mind, lovers.

I have a math test in the morning. I'm way behind in my photography class, but it's all paperwork that seems unecessary ... busywork will always be my downfall.

I'm happy ... even though some days I feel like just sleeping in ... I'm still happier than I've been in a long time.

Dr. Dan Doriani brought us a lesson on Acts 8, the story of Phillip and the Ethiopian Eunich. I don't know why, but this particular story in Acts has always jumped out at me. The story is one of redemption and reconciliation. Philip sees a man, obviously of great wealth and power, riding in a chariot - the equivalent of a private jet. He feels led to begin hoofing along beside the rich man and soon sees that he is reading the holy scriptures. Now, it just so happens that the man had traveled thousands of miles to go to the temple and had been rejected from all but the crowded, noisy outer courts. He was not allowed inside because he was a eunich. He was sexually disfigured and was not fit to enter the temple. It also just so happens, that he is reading the "suffering servant" passage of prophecy in Isaiah.

This man experienced money and power and found it wanting. He tried the route of showy, religious experiences and found that it wanted nothing to do with him. This man was seeking truth at any cost and had been rejected for a physical defect, sexual mutilation, that he probably had exercised no control over.

Money didn't give him joy.
Power didn't give him peace.
The institutional church didn't accept him.

Philip knew that this man needed Jesus.

I think this story speaks volumes into how the church should treat the LGB&T community. Churches all over America refuse to accept people into their fellowship based on their readings of obscure old testament references.

The scriptures were clear that the Eunich was not to enter the sanctuary, no matter how many hours he had traveled. Homosexuality is a sin. In both situations those in authority follow the law to the letter. And following the law would be good if it was all we have, but we have the completion of the law in Jesus Christ. Philip recognized that the law had its place, but that we are under a new law. That day the Eunich was told that in the Christian faith he would not only be allowed entrance to the sanctuary, but his body - broken and damaged may it be - would become the sanctuary that Christ Jesus will endwell.

We as a church need to extend the offering of Christ Jesus to the LGB&T community. When the institution says, "hold it, the law clearly states ..." we as Christians need to stand up and say, I know the law says that, but we live under a new law - "come and be the sanctuary to which you were refused entrance."

The eunich didn't re-gain his lost manhood. The eunich became whole because of a restoration of the heart. He was still a eunich, he would still be a eunich when he died; but Christ had entered his life and Christianity would spread throughout Northern Africa because of his witness. He was still a eunich, the old testament still forbid him entrance to the Jewish temple. But, Christ lived inside of him.

I think there is major application to the LGB&T community. I think that Christians need to openly admit that the sin that plagued them before salvation still sticks around after salvation. If we allow the gay community into our churches, giving them the same freedom offered to us - that our sins make Jesus sad, not mad; that he still loves us with his whole heart; and that he forgives graciously, repeatedly, and unfailingly - I believe that many of them would take their repentance to the next level and actively fight against their sin. ... I think if we tell them they need to drop their sins at the door before entrance they will never enter at all.

What would be the greater sin? That some would never be free of their sin or that none would even hear the good news of salvation for fear that they would fail as Christians?

It's 2 AM, I'm alone in the St. Louis Airport(literally - other than an occasional cleaning lady the airport is empty), I'm avoiding Bible Chapter Summaries (I am 50 tedius old testament chapters away from being done forever!, and I am going to review my weekend retreat from my scribbled notes of thoughts from the weekend.

This weekend was spent attending the Ethnic America Network's Ethnic Ministries Summit; a 3 day event designed to bring people who work in multi-ethnic ministries and slacker college students looking for some credit hours together for an enchanted time of learning. I, obviously, fall into the "slacker college student" category and not the ethnic minister grouping.

The first person who introduced himself to me was a Malaysasian man, TV Thomas, who happened to be a good friend of my mentor, Dr. Fred Smith. It was nice to find an immediate connection.

Our first speaker was Jerram Barrs. Jerram is a British Presbyterian, a self described - "frozen chosen." The focus of the conference is the ideal that every church should be multi-ethnic and that worship should reflect the rainbow of cultures present. We had a lot of black music.

I love the spirit of African American church music; but everything seemed so patronizing. We would listen to a great negro spiritual and then some cracker would mount the stage and say (with a pompous, pretentious, British accent) MMM, yes, that was spledid, now wasn't it?

Our speaker on Thurday was a powerful black man. His sermon addressed our selfish desire to believe that our worship is superior; that we have a grasp on God that "they" just don't get. He ended with a story of traveling to the African bush. As a city boy, his eyes revealed that he was more than a little frightened to get off the bus after several hours spent without passing a building. A bushman quickly rebuked him in the native tongue. A translator revealed that the man had said, "God is here!" Sometimes we think that our norms and values reflect God best, but we must see that God works when we move beyond our comfort zone.

I met some really fun kids from Lancaster Bible College. We had dinner together and hung out a good bit. I like them a lot, and honestly, they reminded me of Fallsies ... which I didnt' hate.

Our speaker tonight spoke about racial reconciliation. He spoke to the black audience while tolerating the white audience's presence. It was a magnificent sermon. He told them that welfare was destroying their society and that Payday Loans would take them under. He asked why black people are making more money than previous generations, but still experiencing the same quality of life. His message moved everyone beyond his or her comfort zone. It challenged the crackers to work to build up the black communities through education.

I have been re-reading "A Scandalous Freedom" by Steve Brown. It's in my top ten "must read" books right now. His premise is so radical, yet he is so conservative. The whole premise (summed up in one inadequate illustration) is

Dont' think about flying purple cows for the next five minutes.

...
....
.....

Did you think about flying purple cows? Probably.

But, now you are free to think about flying purple cows, or not. It doesn't matter.

...
....
.....

Well, you probably thought about them for a second or two and then the thought left your mind.

His premise is that we do the same thing with sin. We make such a big deal about the fact that we can't do it ... and we rob ourselves of the freedom Christ paid so dearly for.

We are free to sin ... and because of this, we are free to love and obediently follow God.

Brilliant.

I watched Sophie Scholl again. I am again reminded what true faith looks like lived out.

And some days, no, most days; I need to be reminder; I need to remember what it looks like to live out your faith. It doesn’t look like what I see every day. It doesn’t look like youth, at the prime of their lives, hidden away in ivory towers studying what dead white men thought about God; faith looks like Sophie Scholl walking to the guillotine. Faith looks a heartbroken mother and father saying goodbye to their faithful children for the last time. Faith cries out, “There is a Higher Justice.” Faith doesn’t argue over proper eschatology.

We don’t live out our faith by getting A’s in Bible Classes; we live out our faith by standing up for what is right in the face of all opposition. "And what does the Lord require of you, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"

I like thunder and lightning. They're bold and unapologetic. I like that in people. I think that if they were people I would want to be their friend.

I don't like rain as much. But I think it's weird when there is thunder and lightnign without rain. Maybe I need more rain friends. I'll work on that.

I'm on full smile patrol this weekend. It's campus preview.

I have a hard time encouraging kids to come here, knowing how much of a struggle I've had here, but I know that God has it in the works for a whole bunch of kids to end up here. I feel better knowing that I'm encouraging the cool ones.

I feel less bitter about a lot of things. One of my best friends, Ricky, (the one with a heart candy in his mouth in my friends' photos below) had a good chat over a movie. I don't think he realizes that he said anything of importance, but he did.

I've only cussed once since Easter. I'm thinking about taking the leap and stop cussing. IDK. I'll limit it anyway.

I'm having (I think) a pancake night on Sunday, which I'm pretty excited about.

Catharsis #6

Every time I go to log into my Facebook account I have a problem. I place the cursor in the password box and begin to type. But, when the page is finished loading, it automatically places the cursor in the "username" box. I end up writing half of my password in one box and the other half in a different box. Everyone now know the last 6 digits of my password.

The upsetting thing is that this has happened to me every time I have logged on to Facebook for months. Twice a day, 30 days a month, 3 months, 180 times! 180 times I've made the same stupid mistake. If I just waited two seconds for the page to finish loading before I began typing I would be fine.

I guess I'm just bad at learning from my mistakes. Maybe if I pretend they aren't real they will go away.

Spring break is almost over. I've had a good week and am almost ready to go back to class.

My friend Marty Spire's husband died yesterday. He was 94 and had cancer. I'll have a funeral in Elberton this weekend.

I feel really blessed by all of my friends, and not just the beautiful ones. The ugly ones too. <3

Catharsis #5

I always feel that Christmas and Easter should have a Celebrity Death Match.

I mean, they can't both be the premier Christian holiday. Can they?

I think it's strange that Easter is synonomous with Spring. The First Easter was 50 days before the Harvest Festival ... so ... some time during the summer?

I like Christmas because I get a lot of presents. I like Easter because I get a lot of presence. It's a trade off.

Catharsis #4

"Jesus is watching you!" - one of the teachers I work with to a student.

Yes, Jesus is watching you. He is watching every move you make. Because He loves you with all of his heart.

Jesus isn't waiting, on the prowl, for each of us to screw up. He is watching us in love.

So here's the message I want my kids to know. Jesus is watching you in love. Jesus loves you. I pray that some day you will hear this message.

Catharsis #3

We share a difficult Gospel. We share a good news that runs against everything we believe. We must constantly fight against the human impulse of inertia. We must fight against the lazy attitude of an easy gospel.

We cheapen the good news when we impose rules and regulations on to simple faith.
We cheapen the good news when we put study and discipline above simple faith.
We cheapen the good news when we deny the simplicity of the faith.

The Christian faith has fallen to the Biblical Literalists. The problem with this line of thought is that anything can be proven with the Bible. When we fail to take the Bible as a whole and choose to categorize every line we end up with as many faiths as people and the notion that only one person (usually said with a finger pointed in) has it right.

When we take the Bible as a whole and in context we see that there is only one faith ... with a whole lot of un-important fringe issues. The fringe issues are not part of the faith.

The difficult gospel teaches grace. It teaches that whores will get into Heaven before the religious establishment. It's hard to accept the grace of God. It's hard to give the grace of God. It's hard to offer the grace of God to people who don't look like us. It's hard to offer the grace of God to people who haven't followed the rules we have put in place.

Catharsis #2

I am in love with Family Guy. Hopefully we will start our Toccoa Falls Appropriate Courtship within the next few days, be engaged by the end of Spring Break, and be married in June. As long as she's a submissive Toccoa Falls Type.

I'm going in to work with my Kindergarten class today. I'm pretty excited about this week. I'm going to do pottery one day and develop film one day. Spring Break is relaxing.

I realized I never added a picture of my cat. So ... here he is.

Catharsis #1

"We are an Easter people and Halleluia is our song."- John Paul II

If our song is anything other than Halleluia we are doing something wrong.

If our song is "those damn kids and their skateboards," we've missed the boat.


I was allowed to be part of an awesome ministry this weekend. I sinned this weekend (like every other weekend) and God still found it in His heart to forgive me, embrace me, and use me in ministry.

"You should live your life with such freedom and joy that most uptight Christians will doubt your salvation." - Steve Brown

I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to spend time with friends and enjoy myself.

I praise God for my beautiful friendships.

The last enemy to be defeated will be death. - 1 Corinthians 15

I wish their was a set of rules and regulations for funerals. I wish the word funeral didn't contain the word fun. I wish people knew whether to use past tense or present tense in reference to the recently deceased. I wish that death was a malady of the old. I wish we all grieved in the same way.

I have read of people groups that hire mourners for funerals. I think this is a good practice. At least they set the tone. Maybe, at my funeral they will hire laughers - to set the tone; that people may know it's okay to laugh.

Death is temporary; true life is eternal.

"With one exception, I would hire every member of this class to be part of my mission organization if I was on the board. Unless your paper said something to the effect of,'... [quotes one section of my most recent paper word for word]...' I wouldn't consider you a heretic." - One of my professors.

Yep. I'm officially a heretic. I think they will still let me graduate though.

I'm struggling more and more with identifying what I believe. I know what I believe ... but I don't know if it's good enough for those around (and above) me. I don't know if I care.

It's a weird spot to be.

Adam and I watched one of my favorite movies, Saved!, the other day. He had a difficult time with it because he felt it mocked Christianity.

I have two stories to illustrate something that has been on my heart. We as Christians need to examine our lives. If we as Christians do something that the world cannot handle, we must examine the issue and decide if the world has a problem with our actions because they go against its worldview and the peoples minds are not enlightened by Christ or if we are simply being idiots.

There are things the Christian world believes that the secular world find literally unbelievable. There are things we do that it cannot swallow because it lacks the light of Christ as its very core. Corrie Ten Boom is immortalized because she valued life (the life of others) over her own self.

There are things the Christian world does that are so shocking and so countercultural that the secular world has no response. We canonize Mother Teresa because we cannot fathom the faith that would lead so far away.

There are things the Christian world believes that the secular world finds crazy … because they are crazy. It’s inane to believe that Jesus would be so radically pro-life as to murder an abortion doctor or so worse yet, be so focused on saving fetuses and simultaneously so enamored with making sure every murderer is executed ... just … like … he … was?

There are things the Christian world does that are so shocking that the world stands back in disbelief because our actions are so horrendous. We live in McMansions while most of the world can’t find enough water to survive.

We must examine our actions and see if they shock the secular world because they exemplify Christ or if they do so because the hypocrisy is only hidden from our own eyes.

A friend apologized to me today, he recently decided that he could no longer identify himself as a Christian, but when asked to pray in class he did. He was concerned that I would feel his prayer was irreverent because he didn’t mean it.

Some of my most succinct prayers have been four letters long. Some people have their best prayer moments while having one night stands. I truly believe the most irreverent prayer is one offered by a Christian without any passion behind it. I’ve prayed a few of them. I’ve also prayed some passionate prayers that would make sailors blush. I don’t consider any of those prayer irreverent.